Facing your dark side...

"School is all about education and the structured setting of a classroom provides only a fraction of it." That is the earliest lesson learnt in this past week and a 1/2, and this post is very likely to read like a confessional...

On the very first day of school, Winkie made a friend at the bus-stop. A big strapping kid, twice Winkie's size and he was a first grader and we'll call him Roy. The mother seemed nice and I was happy that Winkie's friendship process in the new school had begun.

Now every parent has an inbuilt need to have their child fit in, in any situation. We want our kids to be well liked, popular even and never the odd one out in any painful way. As a result, a lot of our parenting is geared to help our kids become well adjusted. And when all those efforts seem to come to naught...it can be a pretty crushing experience. Imagine your child being the butt of everyone's jokes and looked upon as some kind of a freak!!!

Fortunately for me, Winkie is not the one in this situation. It is his new friend Roy. This little guy is an incredibly talkative little fellow and can really go on and on about anything and everything. And while that is kind of interesting at first, it soon becomes annoying. And if I myself, as an adult, could feel that way, what can be said about mere 7-8 year olds? This little habit of Roy's of getting into everybody's face has made him hugely unpopular in the school bus. The minute the kids see him walking up to the stop, they start edging away from him. They all huddle closer and start whispering amongst themselves and when he with his ever friendly nature approaches them, they start sniggering, or outrightly ignore him.

I never saw any of this those first 2 days. I was too caught up with Winkie and the emotions of sending him away to school. But on the 3rd day, I saw these little scenes unfolding and I had this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. Because his mother who is standing right next to me, was seeing it too and God alone knows what she was going through, watching all this antagonism towards her son. I felt very very uncomfortable on the outside and sad on the inside and said nothing. But she brought it up on her own. She related how they had always been on the move, and had never stayed in a place long enough for him to make any lasting friends. Also, since he looked so big for his age, people thought he was at least 2-3 years older than his 6 years, and many mistook his childishness and innocence for developmental delays. Also, he was a very very talkative kid and lots of mothers didn't exactly like their kids associating with him. I heard all of this with a sinking heart, and also with a good amount of guilt, because I had been very guilty of those feelings myself.

I watched him being so ostracised on the bus and couldn't help feeling fearful that it shouldn't include Winkie too just by association. Because Roy had kind of adopted Winkie on the bus, due to his littleness and insisted on holding his hand at the stop and sitting next to him on board. And what I had found cute and sweet at first, now made me cringe. And this feeling of hypocrisy began to suck away all my peace of mind. I was coming face to face with the dark forces lurking within me and realising just how judgemental I really was. I was finding it hard to be objective and show expansive love in this situation. I didn't want Winkie to be unpopular just because he was friends with this boy.

The mother asked me if I minded it. Because I have faced this issue before and all parents want their kids to associate with the best of people, so I will understand if you don't want them to play together...she said. I, of course, said no in as convincing a manner as possible, though it was not with a full heart. We were distracted with the sight of Roy trying to walk up to those group of kids and striking a conversation. The mother got visibly worked up and called him as forcefully as she could to a corner so she could talk to him. She held him on his shoulders and bent down and spoke to him words that I could not hear. Then she came back and proceeded to relate all those bits of history about him. I just nodded my head sympathetically muttering the appropriate words and then returned home. But I couldn't live with myself and all the vile thoughts after that. I paced up and down trying to be in denial that there was really nothing I could do to help in that situation. The most I can do is learn from it, I thought.

But my mind was in a turmoil and it was exactly because of the disharmony in thought, word and deed. I prayed for a bit asking for direction. I knew that if I was this agitated, it was because I hadn't given my full to this situation. In a few minutes, the answer came. And I called her on the phone. I asked her if she felt a little better because she had been really upset when we had parted. I told her I really did not mind that Winkie and Roy played together and this time I meant it. I told her that kids can be mean, and we just need to do the best we can to bolster their confidence at home and hope that that's enough to get them by in the world until they find their own self. I told her that we could protect our kids only to a point, and beyond that, they just had to face their set of disappointments, for that was the only way to learn about themselves and to grow. In short, I told her all the things someone would say when they didn't have their kid in that exact same painful situation.

She was very touched that I had called and thanked me profusely for it. And she told me something, which I don't think I will ever forget....she said...You know Tharini, Roy is such a loving kid...you know what he told me when I took him aside this morning and told him to stay away from those kids, because they didn't like him...? He said...but I love them.

I heard that and just froze. That word love again. It all just came back to that one thing????!!!! And I finally understood why I was prompted from within, to make that call to her. It was for a demonstration in love. True, unadulterated, expansive love. The kind that didn't have conditions attached to it. And this child, whom I had judged so harshly, was teaching me that in His simple, divine way. It didn't matter that those kids didn't like him. So what if they didn't? He liked them, didn't he?? He loved them! What more was needed to be friendly????

That was all the logic that played out in this child's head. But not so in the minds of his mother, or in the minds of any adult who observed that situation. We have already been tainted by the scathing experiences in society. We were all grown up and full of set ideas and patterns. Isn't it infinitely sad how we ourselves play in hand in corrupting the innocence of purity incarnate???

I hung up on the phone with her, knowing she felt better, but I just felt worse. When I understood the lesson that was presented to me through this incident, I felt all of my small and petty mindedness. I played out all of my remorse and tried to empty myself. For if good things had to follow after this, the negative had no place to stay. And I prayed once more and asked the unending Energy to fill Roy with this kind of love always, for courage to not let the dogmas of the world intrude in the expression of that love. I prayed for those kids...that they have more love in their hearts to be more accepting of people slightly different from themselves. And I prayed for Winkie. That may he have the courage to face any kind of discrimination, and even if he wasn't on the receiving end of things, that he have the compassion and objectivity to judge on his own terms. And I prayed for myself too. That this little seed of expansive love that had found its way into my heart, also take firm root and bloom into the most fragrant flowers, which could withstand the erosion of time.

But its hard. Because the warmth of these good feelings is like a shield that leaves you the moment you are done feeling it. The weekend came and went and the following week found me still harbouring some of those negative feelings towards this boy. I guess their weekend was spent in drilling some of the adult logic into this child's head for he did not go near those kids, as we waited for the bus the next weekday. But he also took it upon himself to try and stop Winkie from going too close to them. His mother tried to stop him, and it only irked me some more. Winkie's not the one they don't like....I was thinking uncharitably inside my head.

Winkie, of course, does not sense any of this, and I am definitely not going to corrupt him with my thoughts. I keep telling myself that if Winkie doesn't mind being his friend, I shouldn't either. For all I know, they might bring out the best in each other. They haven't played together since that day, mostly because we have been busy with something or the other every evening. And I keep telling myself that I need to get over myself and just call and fix a playdate. But so far, I have not gathered the moral fiber to do so....And that's where we are at right now.