The 5 year old promise...

My dearest Winkie,

I wrote a letter to you last year on the eve of your 4th birthday and this year too, I shall resort to the same, as there are a great many things I'd like for you to know from me. You can certainly read now, and perhaps even manage to read this letter fairly well, though you would fail to sense my emotions as I write this for you.

I know and feel every bit of this 1 year that has passed, and yet, I cannot get over how clearly I recall my feelings when I wrote that letter to you. But that's not something we need to dwell on and I won't. Right now, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate and care for all the many changes and challenges you have faced in this past year and especially these last few weeks.

Being the big brother has not been easy for you. Especially since your wee brother started walking and expressing and developing a stronger personality. I know how much some of it has cramped your style and space and you have faced a lot of pressure from all of us to act your age. Only, we all too easily forget that you have been acting your age. Yet, we keep expecting more from you. This letter is to tell you why.

When you were born, you came with an inbuilt promise. The promise to grow into a stalwart person...the promise to be someone who would fulfil something in the world as he grows in strength and intellect. When you were born, we undertook a silent, unknowing promise too....to do all that we could possibly do to lift you to that place of strength and certainty. And I believe that in these 5 years, we have been doing just that. Sometimes, we have been very sure of our measures towards you, and with that conviction came an assurance that no matter how tough things seemed just then, it would eventually lead to that utopia. But many a times, we have questioned ourselves to no end. As a result, we have been soft with you when we should have been firm, and tough with you when we should have been more loving. I don't apologise for it. Its just the way parenting runs. Its just that at times likes these, we have felt utter despair and the feeling of reaching a dead end. Its very very hard to contend with that, because it means facing our own helplessness. Because parents are supposed to be in control.

Today, as you complete 5 years, we are still learning. 5 years is in fact, the infancy in parenthood and it doesn't keep pace with the kindergartener we find in you. The point of all this long winded train of thought is that we strive everyday to hold that promise in you aloft. And so, we put a lot of pressure on you to be a good brother, an independent 5 year old, a caring person, a well adjusted kid and a well rounded human being. And I know its not been easy on you. I wish it were. I wish we could find nicer, more pleasant ways to round those sharp edges you sometimes present. And its only a matter of time before we hit that near-utopic approach where harmony flows freely between us. But until then, we will never fail to tell you how much we love you. We will never stop giving you a hug even if you push us away. We will never reject your advances at reconciliation. We will always lay open the road to come back. And that is the promise I undertake to myself today. To be the rock...solid.

You are soooo... excited about your 5th birthday. You in fact, cannot waiiit for tomorrow when you will wake up from your sleep to become a true 5 year old. You are thrilled to bits about the Candyland cake (I pray to God that cake master got my idea right!). You are eager to start the party, where you will be the center in the circle of love that will envelope you. You are waiting to don the clothes Subbu Tattha and Patti bought for you. Perhaps, within yourself, you might undertake some sweet little resolutions to be a good boy and a nice Anna (as you mentioned to me in passing today). However the day pans out, and whatever it eventually brings its way, I have only one wish from the Almighty that I love....that just for a s.e.c.o.n.d, He lays aside all the things that claim His attention and focus all His energies into the blessing He bestows upon your 5 year old frame and timeless soul. God bless you always, sweet child.

Fortunate to have the opportunity to be your,
Amma.