Eat baby eat!
I think one of the the vital qualities you have to have in yourself as a mother is the ability to feed your child, who can't yet feed himself, patiently, and with love and creativity. All of which I severely lack. In fact, this is my biggest failing. I do not mind feeding my little one when he is well and truly hungry and eats for that and without a fuss. But I cannot stand having to distract, cajole, and manipulate a child into eating. I have done all of that with Winkie. Reading books to him to grab his attention while I steal a spoonful in, singing him songs and making funny faces, letting him play with something and keep his hands busy and out of the way, so he would swallow without a fuss, allowing him to watch his favorite show on TV, so the food would go down faster...I've done it all. But I have never liked it one bit.
And now, when its my turn to feed Thambi, I find myself thinking about it a little bit. Thambi's not a bad eater. In fact he started off just fine. He would eat for his hunger and not make a fuss, and stop when he was full, and I wouldn't push him. That is until he hit 10 months. And then the wiles took over. He could turn his face away with clockwork timing and swat at the spoon with deft precision...it was completely maddening. And that is when I would begin to take out all the hidden goodies from my bag. A whole load of plastic spoons, a small board book, plastic coasters, rattle toys, pieces of old Winkie puzzles, the cup full of pens and so many other myriad things, used in a steady succession to ensure that each spoonful goes in unhindered. And all the while I am hating myself for it. Feeling resentful that so much of effort has to go into something which should just happen naturally. That I have to do it all over again, with the second one!
How do kids in this country eat so well? They become independent eaters much sooner and eat better too. I don't know if this is a sweeping generalisation, but it is true in all the cases I have seen. Is the mistake we Indian mothers make that we are literally spoon-feeding our kids, and persisting in it to get that desired quantity in at any cost? Do we really have to tell stories and take them moon gazing to make them eat what they should want to in the first place for mere survival? Shouldn't eating be something you do, because you are hungry and food is the only thing that can make that gnawing feeling go away. Surely even an infant knows that!
Which brings me to what the doctors unilaterally advice...don't worry...no child has managed to starve himself to death yet! Well ok, that's probably a bit harsh, but I know that's the essence of what my doctor will have to say if I take this issue to him. I KNOW that my child will not starve. But it is my natural mother's emotion that I want a healthy child. Who is maybe just a little round around the edges and with a little bulge on the cheeks so I will have something to pull on, when I want to love him to bits. Sure I'd like that, but I am realistic at the end of the day, and I just want a healthy child...not one who looks like you could blow him away with a well aimed *pooof*, and certainly not one who's ribcage you can see everytime you raise his hands to take off his shirt! Seriously, is that too much to ask for?
An instance from this morning:
I usually feed him oatmeal every morning. He eats 5 spoons happily and then the swatting and evasive measures begins. To get from spoon 5 to 10, I bring on something from my goody bag. Alright. That works. And then, not so much. 10 to 15 again calls for change of tactics. Take a little train, fly it in the air above his head with sound effects and he has a big wide open mouth of open wonder...then bring the train closer to his face, right in tandem with the spoon full to the brim with the cereal, and in a swift motion of utter dare devilry, insert the spoon into his fast shutting mouth, and be able to successfully to retract an empty spoon out. If I am lucky, this happens. If I am not, only half goes in, and if I am particularly jinxed that day, he would have spit it all out and soiled his shirt beyond the protection of his bib. And what's more, curious hands will smear the cereal in even more places...his hands, the tray, his face, sometimes me, and if I think I can sneak in another spoonful while he is absorbed in this artistry, I am sadly mistaken! So at 15 it stops.
And I about to throw in my towel and say, go and starve!!...when he sees the cereal his brother is having and starts to grunt for it. And I think...oh poor baby, he wants none of this mishy mushy baby food (which he needs anyway because of his gagging reflex otherwise)...and is ready for big boy food ...and I fix him some cheerios in milk. He is eager and greedy and as I feed him that, my devious mind says to fool him with a spoonful of his own oatmeal, in between every spoonful of cheerios. So I do. And he accepts this twofold treatment for a while. And 5 spoons later, he tires of the cheerios and starts to take it out of his mouth.
So at the end of this long winded exercise, what has happened is, he hasn't had enough of the baby food to fill his tummy comfortably. He cannot ingest enuff of the cheerios either because of the limited chewing capabilities and starts to spit it out. So, end result = not enough food, baby-food or otherwise.
*siiighhhh*
I just want mealtimes to be just that...a time of eating. Not playing, not throwing things down, certainly not watching TV or reading a book, but just plain and simple eating. And why not??? Ayurveda recommends it! Any health mag says no to TV dinners. And at the end of the day, there's your gut telling you that this is not how it is supposed to be. Feeding a baby is not supposed to be a game in agility, reflexes, strategy and extreme patience. It is supposed to be simpler. Right?
So now, the eternal question...how to make it simpler? How to set the best habits right from now, so the battle doesn't intensify with each passing week? How do we take out the fight from a dinner session and just be a team of happy eater and feeder? The way I see, I have another 60 minutes to go until the next session of gymnastics starts, and I could use all the tips possible. So go on and hit me with it!
29 comments:
Oh Tharini..isn't food every mothers struggle!!!!!!!
I have noticed some variety in food helps them eat better. Maybe you can add a different fruit in the oatmeal so it tastes better. Try giving him really tiny bites of toast or roti. I don't understand this reflux business here. In India we never heard anyone talk about it. You can try grinding the food you eat in a food processor and then thin it out a little with milk. I would take a paratha, dal and vegetable and grind it in a food processor and add a little milk to make it the right consistency that Ronit liked. I really admire those little kids who eat all by themselves and they eat so much better. Has Thambi shown interest in eating on his own?
When Ronit was little i would feed him becoz i did not want to deal with the mess - i wish i had not done that :( Ronit is 3 1/2 and its only now that we have nice meal and that too with a lot of reminders every time like no toys and sit properly etc.
Tharini, I wish I could add something here in terms of eating at meal time without having to play, cajole and distract. I am in the same boat as you. Will be hitting this comments section frantically for tips. D has been a good eater for the most part[Anti-jinx], except at school, but the little one tests my patience. I have tried letting her go without milk and food for 4 hours. But even after 4 hours its the same story. Just as you say, the first 5 or 6 spoons she voluntarily eats, but thats about it.
It looks like Thambi wants texture, something he can chew. Maybe try grinding regular oat cereal[like Post's honey bunches of oats]. Grind it dry, not too powdery but small enough for him to chew? And then pour milk over? I think cheerios are harder to chew than the post one's. But the later has some sugar.
Do let us know how it goes.
One more thing, I have seen teeny bit better eating when I have both the girls eat together. Its just a natural distraction for the little one I think :)
Hi Tharini
I have gone through my share of struggles and finally have stopped struggling.
This is what my daughter's teacher suggested(She has done this to her own kids and suggested others too).For three weeks, give them what you want them to eat. If they don't eat, don't cajole, push or punish.If they say they are hungry, offer them the same foods again.If they don't eat, don't substitute it with anything else. There will be hungry cranky kids for a while, but once you make it a way of life, things will change.
Maybe this approcah sounds harsh, but this has worked for me.
Good luck
Tania
Oh,Tharini!.Here is to a stronger you to take on the next meal time:)The happy list was played out in the household with a twist.I asked Mia what makes her unhappy - the answer ? "Only eating". So, with this kind of an answer,I have no where to go.Will email you ,may be you can give me some tips :(
Btw,i agree - the indian mommies indeed overdo the feeding bit . We dont know how to take things matter of factly when it comes to food.
Thank God its not just me doing crazy stuff to feed the little kid.
One day while I was crying and cribbing over the phone to my mom that little one isn't eating. She just told me one thing - 'just let him go, and you don't get frustrated'. So from that point on - when I am getting frustrated feeding him I leave him. If he's hungry and I am calm - I try again later.
There have been times when I did get angry and I give him milk, because I ain't interested in coaxing him to eat.
I always feel guilty when I try to distract him and feed - I am not teaching him good habits. But I think it takes a long time to teach good eating habits. I am still feeding him by distracting with some toys or other. But gradually I try to limit the time I spent doing the crazy things.
Since this is your second one - I am sure you'll do better. Something that you are happy with. Good Luck!
I think Tanias suggestion will work only on 2+ kids. I can see marked improvement in Ashu after she hit the 2 1/2 mark with this strategy. But between 1 to 2, I have nt read one fool proof tip. Life cant be that easy, can it? Btw, I can totally relate T. When I tell a story to Ashu, she finishes a bowl full of rice. But when I dont, she eats only half the bowl. So she does have the capacity to eat and thats what makes me take the distraction route. If she were nt eating at all even with loads of distraction, I would have just given up. And in spite of all this, Ashu is still a skinny child and would fly away if I blow hard enough! :(
well for this one i fall back on our mothers and their advice. eating is not meant to be solitary. and its not easy for kids to sit there and just chew what you shovel down their throats. from the time the brat could sit up i kept his high chair next to the OA and me at dinner and out on the balcony for breakfast and lunch. how many of us would really enjoy just sitting and mindlessly shovelling bland mushy food down our throats?
but the one meal that the brat ate with both of us.. he enjoyed and ate well and ate everything..greens and all.
also, its fine if they like only two or three healthy things and pig out on it. atleast when they are as old as thambi and bean and brat. when as old as winkie you can try negotiation or whatever - can you?! no idea.
but small ones i feel need a little effort. the tv is banned, but we read, we play, we sing... and in between we get some food down. i make pancakes and dosas and rotis shaped like cats and birds... in diferent colours...
all sorts.
and finally - bean is (jinx) a good eater. (anti jinx) and eats even the furniture. the brat isnt. if God wanted to try me further he'd have made the bean a poor eater .... but i dont entertain her yet. she eats. till she's full. i guess thambi, winkie and brat are just poor eaters and need the entertainment. and theres no two ways about it.
phew. long comment.
I found out that if I scold my daughter a little - she feels bad and starts crying and due to which food goes down the throat. So repeat all the above steps for every scoop!
Nowadays even this does not work!!
:(
Tharini, I am in no position to give tips. If I do, some friends who know my feeding style will make time to come home and give me that judgemental, condescending look :)
But I can analayze :)
Yes, non-desi kids eat better. I know kids in my class room, eat one big banana, one whole orange, 8 ounces of milk for SNACK. In an hour they would eat a sandwich/pasta + milk + a fruit for lunch. Desi kids would sit with a miniscule rubbermaid container with pretzels and dance around, later struggle with three pieces of steamed broccoli and bread.
Lots of this is cultural. We believe in not letting children eat by themselves till they have better motor control to do it by themsevles, say till age four or so. This combined with values about not wasting food, food being compared to God = bad eating habits for kids.
I am going to try Tania's suggestion. But I am sure that I will feel like hell when I take my children to the doc for her physical and hear the percentile they are in.
I agree with mad momma. I think it will be a very boring dinner. I think babies/kids are developing their taste so the food itself doesn't really interest them. It has to be something else. Even as adults we enjoy mealtimes more when we have company to talk, music to listen to. Just puts you in a better mood. What's wrong with extending that to kids. Obviously discussing the primaries or the superbowl will not interest them.. why not tell them stories or put them in a better mood? I am sure the food will be digested better!
It's not easy though... But this too shall pass.
tara, mine who is 11 months eats only 6-7 spoons and if goes to 10 i am happy. everyday i feel guilty for he is so thin. till 6 months when i was EBF him he was gaining weight so well. now from 6 months to 11 months he is around the same weight. can u imagine my plight? with recurrent EIs i dont feed him any diary, i am still BF so i dont take any diary. result is i dont know what to feed him and he is as thin as his older bro. i really wanted a chubby cheeks baby for my second one atleast. but if he is really hungry and if he likes the taste he gulps it down. his fav are idli (for breakfast goes down like a breeze). he does not like baby cereals any more. avocadoes are also NO NO. his fav he eats well. so i think u should try stuff like idli, raagi, upma etc which are much tastier. definitely oatmeal and rice cereal that they have been having for 6 months is dull and boring.
Tharini,
Though I dont have any great tips here, just wanted to say that I have the same issues with my 10 month old...little different is that he wants milk all the time and no solids.
He does get really really hungry, but all he wants is either BM or bottles of formula..no solids..if he sees a spoon approaching his mouth, his lips would be tightly sealed and wouldnt open his mouth with any amount of coaxing or cajoling..he would eat about 4 or 5 spoonfuls (whatever it is), and after that he just needs milk..so till now I dont know what his fav food is, because for any food and every food, he takes only 4 or 5 spoons.
At times, I have been successful if I let him self feed, I would place some small pieces of rotis or even noodles or bread for him to pick up and eat, though most of it would end up on him or me or on the floor, some would goto his mouth.
OHHHH, everytime I'm at a party seeing the non-desi children gulp down their food, while the desi moms, have to feed their children even pizza, I think about what is wrong here....is it the over sheltering, over protective nature of ours that is "spoiling" them or what else could it be? Naren has a few preferances and he will eat those (not meaning, he won't give me a hard time) and for that too, one has to sing, dance, read....the whole 9 yards. This seems to be working for now.
Have you tried to rotate the food choices? Or mix in a fruit with the oatmeal? Or a tad of honey in it? Is he into dosa, bread?? Biscuits in milk? Maybe you can split the meal...carbs, protein and maybe allowing him to eat bits on his own with a spoon, while you feed, may also be distracting.
These babies, they do drive us up the wall (walks away shaking head and pulling at hair thinking about the next meal)
I can't offer much help here. I used to fret over Apya's eating, and was surprised to hear her preschool teacher say, "She loves her grub". Who? My daughter? Say that again!! Apparently she would eat her lunch happily along with her friends, while at home she would fuss. There are 3 or 4 special dishes that she likes very much, but even with those her appetite can be unpredictable.
One other thing that occurred to me: maybe 6 spoons of oatmeal is all that Thambi needs? It might be hard for a parent to digest that thought, but if he's healthy and gaining weight as he should be, why stuff him and hope to see chubby cheeks?
My little one is a few months older than Thambi, and I know when I give her porridge, 7 - 8 spoons is the maximum I can get into her.
Considering that lifelong obesity is not an easy problem to solve, I'd prefer a healthy skinny child any day over a 'chubby' one.
What do you say?
most of us tend to follow in our mothers' footsteps. if that is the case-our mothers fussed over us, spoon-fed us and gave a lot of TLC when it came to mealtime and all other times. look how we have all turned out! let us do what our loving moms did. our children will turn out as well as we did.
Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and sharing your own stories. I really appreciate your time.
I have settled on a few things in my heart. I loved what Dotmom said. I found it very resonating. I will always remember it.
And thank you dear Anon, for putting such a simple thought across and settling this dispute within me forever. I will try and be true in my TLC, and extend that to Thambi's mealtimes as well. God bless you for your timely words.
Thank you all!
Am late to the party !
Having an easy eater on my hands (anti-jinx still works?) I would not even know what to say to you. But in theory I agree with TMM (so what else is new?). I think some babies are inherently fussy eaters, and I'm sure this is the case for both Desi's and non-desi kids. If that was not the case, you think there would be THAT many books on eating tips, written by and for Americans?
The one thing I do agree with is that the non-desi kids definitely seem more independent, not just with eating but with also most other things. I guess it is a cultural thing.
I loved reading the comments!
An aside: T, every post of yours these days seems to point to some supposed "flaw" in your mothering ability ! Why???
Tara - here I am feeling good that baby girl is a good eater...after reading your post - now I am more prepared for things to change anytime! Dear God - no please! Why can't they continue to be good eaters if they start out that way! I am NOT looking forward to another fussy eater. I refuse to sit patiently and feed! Grrr...well tell me how you find the patience to do this all over again!!!
I can totally empathise with you. The brat was a decent eater while he was little. Now he is better but then a year back or so, it was such a torture. Thankfully the baby hasn't displayed feeding problems till now. But my thoughts when the brat was a baby was like the brat is so small, how long am I going to spoonfeed him, may be till he'd be five at the maximum. So I'm also a part of the problem. Now even if I do ask him to eat on his own, he'd take ten minutes for a couple of spoons and I'd lose patience and start stuffing his mouth to get over with the work. Sorry for hogging your comment space :)
Tharani..Don't tell me..I have been thinking about Aryans eating habits for a long while..As you said...we mothers become jokers but still the kid end up eating nothing...Ahh..is this all about motherhood. I got very irritated and bet him, he cried, I put the food and pressed his nose..He gulpped the food and after sometime vomited..Was it all wroth..the pain. Cruel mother I am..
Aryan's mom
Here you are talking about the need to distract your kid while eating and here I am distracting MYSELF during every meal by reading a book. It does not matter that I had read the book a million times before. I eat as long I get to read a book. I do not know what I will do when the kid comes along. Guess I will thrust a book in his/her hand too:-0
Poppins : Surely not every post? :) I was in a mode of intense self analysis when I wrote the 'Old Habits' one, and this post is the very truth...I hate all the drama required in feeding a fussy child.
But I guess you sensed the vibes from me overall....which is that I have not been very happy with myself as a mother for a while now, and it is not me being harsh on myself as much as it is the simple truth which I need to face and overcome. I do feel better about things and have started reforming, and will actually find myself capable of writing that love letter. :)
Noon : Don't start worrying yet. You might be pre-empting things. I am sure everything will go smoothly, and you will always have teh respurces to deal with all and any challenges.
Nisha : No worries abt hogging comment space. Write what you feel, and however long. I love the open dialogue. God bless Baby with the most unfussy attitude with food. :)
Aryan's Mom : Pl. do not let my negativity in this post affect you so. Read back to the comment that 'Anon' left me. That really stilled all my conflicts and we have to do what we do out of love. Everything will be alright.
When kids are a little older, say 2+ choice in food works and even though its a little more effort it makes the child feel he had some say in choosing to eat that particular thing. Of course just a couple of choices are enough and should be ideally healthy ones. I also HATE cajoling a child to eat( for some reason my temper flares up very easily at mealtimes) but what has worked is the above tactic and insisting we sit in one place and chat, while he eats. But I WILL NOT run around him. No!
I am most unqualified to leave a comment here :P I am one of those moms who wouldn't let her kids even read while eating. I believe one should focus on eating during meal times. I let S read only if she is eating alone and that too, not always. I and J don't read/ use the laptop during meals. Meal times are strictly for eating and conversation. I don't bring any toys to M's high chair while feeding her either. Right now she loves to eat and sometimes I do wonder if she will stop being such a good eater any time soon. But if she does, I will just let her be. I still won't distract her or let her play so I can feed her. I do believe the strategy that Tania suggested works. I have tried it successfully on S and I intend to apply it on M as well, if the need arises.
As for eating food themselves, I didn't let S do that because I was afraid she wouldn't eat enough. Then we had struggles in pre-school (when she was three) when she needed to learn to eat by herself. This time, as soon as M shows interest in feeding herself, I will let her. And yes, I do think that Indian moms tend to spoon-feed their kids for far too long and that results in them growing up to be not-good eaters. I have seen too many friends sit down with their 5-6 year olds (GASP!!) to feed them at parties while S would eat by herself by the time she was a little over 4. I did have to constantly remind her to eat fast, finish her food etc. etc., but I never had to worry about her not eating enough. It does take a lot of effort and will power not to just step in and feed them because that would be so much faster but we need to think in the long-term. For me the aim was in getting S to eat independently so when she went to kindergarten for the whole day (9-3), she wouldn't starve there just because she didn't know how to feed herself. I have heard of kids (my cousin's kids, a few friends' kids) who don't eat anything for the entire day at school and come back famished and moms feed them then. My cousin's wife even asked her son's school teacher to feed him in pre-school and I was astonished that she did that instead of focusing her energy on making her kid independent. I have mentioned this gripe of mine in one of my posts as well: http://my2centstoo.blogspot.com/2007/08/art-or-science.html
Sorry for the long comment. I got carried away and didn't realize I had written a mini post here :P
I meant to write - "I do think that WE Indian moms tend to spoon-feed their kids for far too long..."
Not trying to be critical of anyone. Am in the same boat - as far as being an "Indian Mom" is concerned and I am sure I overprotect S in many other areas if not in eating habits. Trying to overcome that hard though :(
Oh - the food battles...Tell me about it, T! I've totally been there..
Would recommend Pizza Kittens - a book dealing with the dinnertime struggle that a feline family goes through...LOL! Fun, and totally realistic...K brought it from her school library.
On the back-cover, there's a little note with the author's thoughts on the food related issues, a familiar family struggle - he mentions it really is not about winning or losing.. and not to make dinner time a battle - through the story conveys it's all about showing respect, care and love for the kittens even if it means your views/ideas about a good,healthy meal does not match with your child's... with the hope that some day mom's and dad's patience, good intentions, and willingness to keep trying would some day lead to good eating habits from the kitten's side..!
well - why does everything in this world have to eventually boil down to the "virue" patience? :-)
I would go with Tania's suggestion...Seems like it's the Pizza Kitten idea..
We need to think about it rationally and again, it's ok if it is about letting them have their way. Too much pressure on them and ourselves..
oh Tharini! i am so glad to read that i am not the only one struggling with Rohan to finish his bowl of rice cereal.. as you must remember i hate messes and get even more irritable when he swings his hands around the rice cereal is all over the place including on my clothes. rana and i try everything to keep him distracted and only then he eats the full bowl. but things like rice krispies and toast he loves. he wants to eat everything on his own but i dont let him as he makes a mess.. eats less and plays more with the food. feeding time is the toughest thing about being a mother. in between i was so depressed that every time it was such a struggle but now i have just learnt to accept it. i tried giving him normal pureed boiled rice and dal with vegetables.. he didnt like it.. he eats no vegetables but loves eating apples and bananas. i am just wondering when this coaxing to eat will stop. everytime we go to the doc he is underweight and i somehow feel incapable as a mother then. anyhow, hang in there just like every mother does. i also cant just let him be hungry... if you come up with any new ideas.. let me know.
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