Old habits SHOULD die hard!

If I ever meet a person, who has a soft spoken voice and manner and exudes gentlety, I am entranced. I wish I could be more like that person, in that exact same way, with their true and benevolent smile and being soft spoken and still being heard clearly. I wish.

When I come across someone for whom simple everyday discipline is a way of life, I am very much interested in knowing how they do it. What makes them counter all the opposing forces in their head and still be able to head out for some daily exercise, or regular meditation, or eat well balanced food everyday. How does the police-ing of your actions work, day after day? I long to know the answer to that.

When I see my husband show so much of patience, even after a long day at the office and come home and be patient with all of us happily, like every effort that it took to be patient was a worthy penance for his other failings, I just stop and stare in wonder. Because for some people, its a natural quality, already there within, to tap into. I wish I was one of them.

And then there are some people for whom even doing the mundane everyday things is like being in meditation. They cook happily, and do the chores around the house and do it well, like it was their duty and hence their pleasure to serve, instead of cribbing what unintelligent mindless work it is and how boring to be stuck in this rut day in and day out. I wish I could have such worthiness of purpose.

And the people who are wonderfully warm and open their hearts and homes to others? Taking pains to cook and entertain and be proactive in keeping the social connections alive. And here I am, surrounding myself with concepts such as privacy and space and catching up on ME time and FAMILY time. Why does it give me so little happiness in the end?

There is this special race of people who take up one thing, and when they do, they research on it completely, learning it inside out, arming themselves with full knowledge about it. They have the focus to educate themselves and become masters of it. And here I am dabbling in a bit of this, a bit of that, flitting from one thing to the other, before having any kind of real grip on it, and never really becoming adept at anything in particular. A basket full of half baked knowledge. When will I become a master of one?

It is true that man has many desires in this earthly world. I may not desire too much money, or a very big house, or a long itiniery of places to visit or the smartest kids, but there are still plenty of things I long for.

I long for poise and grace.

I long to be truly disciplined.

I long to be a patient person. A truly patient person.

I long to be wholly immersed in everything I do, even the routine things.

I long to be a true people person. Loving people and wanting people around.

I long to excel at one thing, above all others.

So how does the reforming start? When am I going to self actualise in all these desires? How much longer am I going to be the person that admires something without making it a part of herself? How many more excuses will I come up with to explain why I am the way I am? How much longer will I whine and say...there's no time...or...its too hard to do. When will I be rid of the exaggerated siiiiighs and be filled with the vibrant vitality of a doer, instead of being on the sidelines of life? I know it will take several lifetimes to get it right, but surely the effort for that starts now and today and this very minute? Vices vices vices. How much longer will I hide behind them and be fooled by them thinking that is the way to happiness? How much more of overindulgence is needed before I am driven to desperation and final catalystic action?

Many desires, way too many questions and not enough answers. Or maybe there is just one answer and I am still not ready to reckon with it!